I am always amazed how much the automobile is a part of our lives not to mention how it influences the things we say and do especially when we were young not at all unlike the youth of today. That being said I’d like to share one such automotive memory I have with you but please understand it is not done with any disrespect. It is simply one experience from the 70s that still cracks me up.
It was about 1971 and I asked this simply beautiful girl out on a date and to tell the truth I never thought in a million years she would say yes. I almost fell off my chair when she did, “Hey, that would be great.” The date was for a Saturday so that gave me a few days to do all the important things that any young guy with a muscle car back then would do. That would be, wash and wax the car, take a shower, and buy a new shirt but it is also important to plan the order of events as well. Any intelligent bachelor understands the importance of this type of planning. If I wash and wax the car first then I could use my old shirt to wash the car with since I was going to buy a new one and if I got wet enough while washing the car I would kill two birds at once. Besides washing the car helps get the grease out from under the fingernails. That would mean that all I would have to do would be stop and buy a new shirt on the way to pick her up.
So here I am after waiting all week with great anticipation with a clean car, some High Karate after-shave (the good stuff) and my new paisley print shirt with the long collars which was half unbuttoned and on my way to pick her up. Hey now, stop laughing. You have to remember we’re talking early 70’s. As I pulled my GT 500 Shelby in front of her house I saw her waving from the front porch to come inside. When I got to her front door she was looking even better than I had remembered and that was hot, hot, hot. She asked me if I like candles and when I told her that I did she invited me to come inside so she could show me her collection of candles. When I went inside I was impressed with how many candles she had and they were everywhere. “Take off your shoes and lay back in that big beanbag” she says “and I’ll show you some of my favorites. Before long she has 30 candles lit and she really was proud of them as she brought each one over for me to see and smell. I’m beginning to think hey we won’t even have to go to San Francisco tonight with the way things are going here. (wink) But then she gets all excited she says, “Now this one isn’t very spectacular or anything but let me lite it so you can smell the cranberry-cinnamon fragrance. This one has got to be my favorite.” As she lit it and leaned over to hand it to me she said, “Now take a BIG wiff.” So I leaned over as she held it up to my nose and as soon as I took a big whiff it felt like that flame shot up my friggin nose all the way to my brain! And in doing so it took out every single nose hair along the way. Now if you know anything at all about burnt nose hair, and God help you if you do, it smells like burnt chicken feathers and there is nothing less romantic or arousing than that whatsoever. At the same time I let out a terrible shriek and tried to force the flame out of my nose (that wasn’t pretty either) I scared the B-Jesus out of her which caused her to jerk away and in doing so she spilled hot wax all over my chest of the half-unbuttoned shirt and that removed all the hair on my chest. All three of them.
As the All-American bachelor The first thing on my mind at this very second was… How do I remain calm in light of my burnt nostrils, scalded chest, ruined shirt (Brand new I might add) and the smell of burnt chicken feathers embedded on my brain and what are my chances that I will still get lucky?
To make a long story short, the date to San Francisco that night was fun even though I did not take her to see any damned candle shops. I also learned to never take a wiff of anything on a first date and I learned to keep my shirt buttoned up, and I never go into a dates home to smell their candles without protection… flame protection that is.
See, some us did learn from the 70s.