I’ve really been enjoying all the road trip stories lately but Allan’s Mustang/snow story brought back visions I had hoped to forget long ago.
God knows I love my Mustangs but that snow is for the birds. Back in the 70’s I used to drive my Shelby up to Lake Tahoe even in the winter and one day we realized that because of the way the rear seat opened up into the trunk I could put a toboggan in there. Hell Yeah, Lake Tahoe here we come!
When it comes to getting off a toboggan I am an expert and I have only done it once. If I could find the SOB that first said “Hey that snow looks soft!” I would personally dig his sorry ass up and roll him down the hill I took my first toboggan ride down.
They say the rule of thumb is, the longer the toboggan the faster it will accelerate. Well, as soon as I tucked my feet inside I reached something like 489 miles per hour!!! (I may be exaggerating just a little but it sure felt like it.) No sooner than I felt the acceleration I tried braking in the FRIGING SOFT snow. The ankles are the first thing to go since the normal reaction is to stick your foot in the snow trying to stop. Then the legs, knees, hips and so on all feel as if they are broken. Ã‚Â That is about the time your ankles get shoved up through the spinal cord halfway to the frigin brain. and then the harder than the Rock of Gibraltar $@#%^&^$#@#@@# SNOW knocked me off and the 10 foot toboggan I chose to use and it went one way and I went the other way. If that wasn’t enough I could hear some lady yell, “EVERYBODY LOOK OUT! HERE COMES THEÃ‚Â NUT WITH THE 10 FOOT TOBAGGAN!!!!”
By now I had accelerated to about 10,000 friging miles per hour all in less than 2.3 seconds and there was nothing slowing me down as I plowed right thru the center of all the people who chose to play way down below in the “Children’s Hill.” But did I stay and play on the “Children’s Hill?” Oh NOOOOOOOOO! Of course not. I had to drag that damn 10 foot toboggan all the way to the top of friggin MT Everest or what ever in the hell it was called just before you get to Lake Tahoe. At any rate seeing’s how I was moving at such a rate of speed and my claws… Er I mean bloody nubs which were a result of my attempt to do my impersonation of a cartoon cat trying to stop and the same bloody nubs that left claw marks half way down the side of the mountain in the SOFT snow.
In the few seconds that it took for everyone to safely get out of my path of flames as I warned them with a blood curdling scream all the way down the mountain I still hadn’t slowed down. At this speed I was going fast enough to not only slide past all the kids but in fact I slid right on past the parking lot and then proceeded to skip all the way across highway 50 like a flat rock on water where I slammed into a snow bank which brought me to the stop I thought I would never live to talk about.
Ã‚Â The next time you are driving along the road and thinking to yourself, “My, that snow bank sure looks soft.” Think again. I’ll tell you what you can do with yer friging SOFT snow bank. There isn’t enough gas in the world to soak them all down with in my opinion! Now with what seemed like every bone in my body broken and in pain like you would NOT believe, the first thing I hear after the screeching tire is, “This guy is in trouble.” WELL NOOOOOO $HIT DUDE! Did you just see what in the hell I did? Evil Kenivel would be envious.” The next thing someone said was, “Hey let’s pry him off that snow bank and put him in that toboggan like a stretcher.” Oh that’s just friggin great! Put me back on the friggin thing that had just launched me the speed of SNOW!
The ride in the back of the Suburban to the hospital in Lake Tahoe was the ride to hell since I am positive they hit every single pot hole there was on the way there. After admission to emergency the doctor told me I was lucky but all I wanted to know was, “How do you figure since all I want to do is die.” Then my friends said, “If only you could have seen how close you came to getting hit by a truck when you slid across the highway!” I asked them, “Can you please just take me back and put me back in front of that truck?” Then the meds kicked in and I woke up the next morning on the sofa at the lodge. I swear there wasnt a bone in my boddy that wasn’t spraned, sore or falling off.
So the moral is if you wanna go to the snow…Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Well good for you and have fun and don’t bother sending me a post card. GOD I HATE THE SNOW!.