There are so many means of transportation… cars, boats, trains, planes, bikes, motorcycles and many more. I have been asked many times why I love racing and cars so much but the truth is it’s easier to explain which means of transportation I hate the most.
Every driver has his or her own unique style of control and there are many variations but when it comes to getting off a toboggan I respectfuly consider myself an expert even though I have only done it once. Since the normal reaction is to stick your foot in the snow trying to stop the ankles are the first thing to go. That is about the time your ankles get shoved up into your pelvis making the overall length of my legs about four inches long. If I could find the very first SOB that first said “Hey that snow looks soft!” I would personally dig his sorry butt up and roll him down the very same hill I took my first toboggan ride down. They say the rule of thumb is, the longer the toboggan the faster it will accelerate. Well, as soon as I tucked my feet inside I reached something like 489 miles per hour!!! (I may be exaggerating just a little but it sure felt like it.) No sooner than I felt the acceleration I tried braking in the FREAKING SOFT snow. That was when the harder than the Rock of Gibraltar #@#@@# SNOW knocked me off and the 10 foot toboggan I had chosen to use went one way while I went the other way. The first thing I noticed was that the SOFT snow was driving my tail bone completely up the center of my spine all the way to the base of my brain! If that wasn’t enough I could hear some lady yell, “EVERYBODY LOOK OUT! HERE COMES THE NUT WITH THE 10 FOOT TOBAGGAN THAT CLIMBED ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!!!!” By now I had accelerated to about 10,000 friging miles per hour all in about 2.3 seconds and there was nothing slowing me down as I plowed right thru the center of all the people who chose to play way down below on the “Children’s Hill.” But did I stay and play on the “Children’s Hill like everyone suggested?” Oh NOOOOOOOOO! Of course not. I had to drag that damn 10 foot toboggan all the way to the top of friggin MT Everest or what ever in the hell it was called just before you get to Lake Tahoe. At any rate seeing how I was moving at such a rate of speed and my claws… Er I mean bloody nubs which were a result of my attempt to do my impersonation of a cartoon cat trying to stop and the same bloody nubs that left claw marks half way down the side of the mountain in the SOFT snow. In the few seconds that it took for everyone to safely get out of my path of destruction with a blood curdling scream all the way down the mountain I still hadn’t slowed down one bit. At this speed I was going fast enough to not only slid past all the kids but in fact I slid right on past the parking lot and proceeded to skip all the way across highway 50 like a flat rock thrown across a flat lake where I slammed into a snow bank on the opposite side of the highway which brought me to the stop I thought I would never live to talk about. The next time you are driving along the road and thinking to yourself, “My, that snow bank sure looks soft.” Think again. I’ll tell you what you van do with your friging SOFT snow bank. There isn’t enough gas in the world to soak them all down and lite them in my opinion! Now with what seemed like every bone in my body broken and in pain like you would NOT believe, the first thing I hear after the screeching tires was, “Hey, this guy is in trouble!” WELL NOOOOOO $HIT SHERLOCK! Did you just see what in the hell I did?” The next thing someone said was, “Hey let’s pry him off that snow bank and put him on that toboggan and use it like a stretcher.” Oh that’s just friggin great! Put me back on the same thing that had just launched me down that scenic mountain behind you at the speed of light!
The ride in the back of the Suburban to the hospital in Lake Tahoe was the ride to hell since I am positive they intentionally hit every single hole there was on the way there. After admission to emergency and X-rays the doctor told me I was lucky but all I wanted to know was, “How do you figure I’m so lucky considering all I want to do is die?” Then my friends said, “If only you could have seen how close you came to getting hit by a big truck when you slid across that highway!” I asked them, “Can you please just take me back and put me back in front of that truck? Any truck!” That’s when the meds kicked in and I woke up the next morning on the sofa at the lodge.
So the moral is if you wanna go to the snow… Well good for you and have fun and don’t bother sending me a post card. GOD I HATE THE SNOW!. I would rather be in a car at speed. I wouldn’t even mind if it was Pinto with no brakes being followed by an 18 wheeler thru a mine field.